Holocaust Survivors Take the Runway
A beauty pageant in Haifa, Israel, for holocaust survivors. It’s perfect. Poetry. Just what the world needs. A light unto the nations. I can see it. A trend. Next year, perhaps a Miss Darfur, or Little Ms. Rwanda. Competitors matching stories of rape, beatings, witnessed horrors, as well as tales of survival and the transcendent success that culminates in their very presence at the marvelous pageant. And poise. Let’s not forget poise. Poise counts.
This will make great TV. The next step in reality programming: Hard reality. There’s a world of possibilities. Perhaps a Devastated and Deracinated Olympics. Remnants of native populations vying for belt or crown in Indian Arm Wrestling, backgammon, and aboriginal dreaming. Maybe “Survivors Got Talent.” Skeletal folk dancers of all stripes. I can see it. Dance-beat didgeridoo solos and sex-trafficked beauty queens in bathing suits. Who wouldn’t tune in for that? Triumphs of the spirit, don’t you know? Extravaganzas!
Think of the revenue.
Some people say Iran is ruled by rational men, that any surmise to the contrary is overblown and paranoid. After all, we want the same things: peace, prosperity, the occasional blow job. That’s no reason to let down our guard. But that’s what we did. We did not consider that what the Iranian government lacks in espionage skills–and one really doesn’t expect to discover they’ve gotten any intelligence–they make up for with geometric logic. That’s how they got us. Vice President Mohammad-Reza Rahimi noticed there is not a single Zionist in the entire world that is addicted to drugs. What can you say? Damn his eyes.
The stuffing is out of the derma. I think we should come clean. I don’t know if my fellow Jews agree. The last time I saw them was two Thursdays ago at Cosmic Bowling, when we decided to turn the heat up a notch on the American Supreme Court. And, in truth, I don’t want to go through all the phone calls, all the family tsuris you have listen to, all the new aches and pains people kvetch about before they get down to conspiring in a serious and meaningful way.
So I’m going rogue. We did it. I personally moved a half ton of heroin last month alone, all in crates of hollowed out Talmuds. And that’s not all. I supervised the seeding of rain clouds with a mixture of LSD, grape juice, and egg whites that, once solidified under extreme heat, was pulverized into a fine powder and sown on the wind by helicopters borrowed from the set of an upcoming blockbuster I cannot disclose. It was a test. It has been going on for some time.
I do, however, object to Mr. Rahimi’s claim that our gynecologists (and let’s be real: all gynecologists are ours) are killing black babies. This is simply not true. We don’t discriminate in that way. A baby is a baby. It’s tradition.
I feel better.
Sometimes I dream in Yiddish. It’s so long since I lived in a house where it was spoken. When my grandparents died–and they went young–it stopped. I never speak it now. I couldn’t. I can just barely understand it. But when I hear it, I feel oddly at home in the sound of it in […]
The poem is from Rumi; the dancer, Miriam Peretz. Music by Neema Hekmat, Pourya Khademi, Kaveh Hedayati, Fares Hedayati and poetry recitations by Shadi Vaezzadeh.
via Chief rabbi urges Orthodox leaders: Don’t let Israel recognize Reform, Conservative rabbis – Israel News | Haaretz Daily Newspaper. Chef Sephardic rabbi Shlomo Amar calls progressive Jews ” the uprooters and destroyers of Judaism who have already wrought horrible destruction upon the People of Israel in the Diaspora…” Nice. Personally, I don’t think […]
Catholic League President: “Jews Had Better Not Make Enemies Of Their Catholic Friends” via Catholic League President: “Jews Had Better Not Make Enemies Of Their Catholic Friends”. Catholic League president Bill Donahue and Rabbi Arthur Waskow flamed one another over Waskow’s criticism of the Vatican and the U. S. Council of Catholic Bishops in a […]
“No Means No.” – Tablet Magazine. Slightly more than half the people in Michigan have vaginas. I dont’ know how many of them are Jewish vaginas. Jews are .8% of the population, so there are some. A woman with a Jewish vagina speaks out on behalf of all Michigan vaginas in opposition to a bill that has […]