Some people say Iran is ruled by rational men, that any surmise to the contrary is overblown and paranoid. After all, we want the same things: peace, prosperity, the occasional blow job. That’s no reason to let down our guard. But that’s what we did. We did not consider that what the Iranian government lacks in espionage skills–and one really doesn’t expect to discover they’ve gotten any intelligence–they make up for with geometric logic. That’s how they got us. Vice President Mohammad-Reza Rahimi noticed there is not a single Zionist in the entire world that is addicted to drugs. What can you say? Damn his eyes.
The stuffing is out of the derma. I think we should come clean. I don’t know if my fellow Jews agree. The last time I saw them was two Thursdays ago at Cosmic Bowling, when we decided to turn the heat up a notch on the American Supreme Court. And, in truth, I don’t want to go through all the phone calls, all the family tsuris you have listen to, all the new aches and pains people kvetch about before they get down to conspiring in a serious and meaningful way.
So I’m going rogue. We did it. I personally moved a half ton of heroin last month alone, all in crates of hollowed out Talmuds. And that’s not all. I supervised the seeding of rain clouds with a mixture of LSD, grape juice, and egg whites that, once solidified under extreme heat, was pulverized into a fine powder and sown on the wind by helicopters borrowed from the set of an upcoming blockbuster I cannot disclose. It was a test. It has been going on for some time.
I do, however, object to Mr. Rahimi’s claim that our gynecologists (and let’s be real: all gynecologists are ours) are killing black babies. This is simply not true. We don’t discriminate in that way. A baby is a baby. It’s tradition.
I feel better.